Why we sabotage the things we want
Let me start with something every one of us has done.
You make a choice that works against your own health, your happiness, or your success.
And you know it while you're doing it.
Early in my practice, I assumed this was an education problem.
People wanted to be healthier. They were struggling to follow through. So I figured they just needed better information.
But my clients were often well educated about their health. That's partly why they were seeking holistic care in the first place. They had the knowledge. And they still couldn't execute.
I could ask someone in my office, "Are there choices you could be making right now that would benefit your health or your happiness?"
And almost everyone would say, "Yeah. There's probably some things I'm not doing."
So the question I never asked, but probably could have, is:
Why not just go do them?
The honest answer is almost never laziness. It's almost never a lack of willpower.
It's a core false belief.
Here are some of the most common ones.
There's something wrong with me. I'm all alone. I'm incomplete. I'm inadequate. I'm not safe. I cannot do it. I am worthless. I am powerless. I am crazy.
Most of these are really about worth. And most of them were formed when we were very young.
Which is how a spilled cup of tea can echo for decades.
Picture a little kid, just playing around, who knocks over mommy's tea.
Mom snaps: "What's wrong with you?"
And that child, doing what children do, draws the only conclusion available.
Something must be wrong with me.
Now fast forward twenty years.
This person has a healthy group of friends. Their career is going well. Their health is solid.
And then they meet someone. A good person, genuinely interested in them.
Here's the problem.
That doesn't fit the belief they've been carrying for decades.
So when they're not paying close attention, the subconscious goes to work.
The new person has an off day. The texts feel a little strange. The thought arrives: this isn't going well.
So they pull back a little.
The other person senses the distance and gives them space.
And now the story writes itself: They ghosted me.
Meanwhile, the true self, the one who was genuinely hopeful, is thinking, I really thought this was going to go well.
But the ego gets to say, See? I told you.
I told you there was something wrong with us.
This is why self-sabotage is so hard to catch.
Neuroscience has shown that the majority of your day is run by your subconscious, not by your conscious mind making deliberate choices.
Which means that when a false belief is running in the background and you're not fully paying attention, it will quietly rig the game so that your experience matches what it already believes.
Your subconscious would rather be right than learn a new core belief.
Even when being right costs you the relationship, the opportunity, or your health.
This is the same force behind the placebo and nocebo effects: the subconscious can alter your real experience rather than update a belief it has held for years.
That's not weakness. That's not a character flaw.
It's a very old program, still running, doing exactly what it was built to do: prove itself true.
So what do you do with that?
You don't fight yourself. You get curious.
The next time you catch yourself making a choice that works against what you want, pause and ask:
What belief would this choice be proving right?
Go ahead and use the list I shared earlier. Those beliefs are very common, so there's a good chance one of them will ring true.
It does get more nuanced than that, and your own version may be more specific. But the list is a great place to start.
And here's what matters most.
Once you can observe the belief, you are no longer acting as the ego. You're acting as a witness to it.
That shift is where healing becomes possible.
From that place, be compassionate with yourself in that moment. Offer yourself love and acceptance in the middle of the struggle.
That's what heals the core wound that created the false belief in the first place.
And when the wound heals, the need to sabotage can resolve with it.
Next week, I want to go deeper into something we touched on here:
Why your ego would rather be right than happy or healthy.
I'll see you then.
Helping people work with their subconscious programming is something I do all the time.
If any of this sounds familiar, and you'd like help with it, I would love to help.
You can schedule a free call here: [free call link]
You were never broken. You may just be running an old program that's ready for an update.
– Dr. Jake
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